I Don’t Recall Asking

The weekend of Nov. 22nd I ended my whole30, early but planned. I traveled the weekend before to my sister’s and nearly quit then. I realized that when I control my environment and routine, it’s easy. When travel makes food choices limited, it becomes work. It requires planning and preparation far beyond an effort I am comfortable with and I realized this when I sat at a restaurant in central Wisconsin, and nothing on the menu was Whole30 compliant. Nothing. I ordered a burger, took it off the bun and ate it. That’s it and that I wasn’t okay for me.  I gave myself a break when I went to Omaha. I did fairly well keeping with eating well. I didn’t go crazy. I didn’t drink like a frat boy which normally would be the whole point of me going. While I didn’t finish the 30 days I am happy with what I accomplished through it.

The thing I wasn’t ready for….what people had to say about how I looked. I had one acquaintance tell me I was too skinny. I had a dear friend tell me I was a stick figure. Over Thanksgiving my family asked if I was going to blow away in the wind.

It was not what I expected. I felt great. With a series of words, that started to crumble. I felt like an impostor. That soon I would be found out and everyone would know it wasn’t really me in that body.  I didn’t deserve it. I wasn’t that skinny girl everyone was commenting on, I was just me that chubby girl that was smart and snarky. But I was the girl that worked hard to become a healthier version of herself. That can do real push-ups, run half marathons and eat real food. Losing weight is hard. Everyone compliments the “new” you. The part that becomes uncomfortable is how the words and compliments bring up a host of emotions you didn’t know you felt until they hit. I work hard for this body. I don’t take what it does for granted. I feed it. I try to push out of comfort zones. I make conscious choices so that I can be proud of it and comfortable in it.

The interesting part, is weight wise, I probably was within five lbs of what I’ve always been in the last two years. The difference is that I’m more muscular. I’m leaner. Absolutely my body has changed but my weight, not really. I’m settling into my body. My measurements are different, my clothes fit differently. I feel confident. I reached what Jillian Michael’s calls the “sex with the lights on” confidence I’ve wanted with my body. I felt it all come crashing down. No matter where you are in your own journey, know it is never over. You will reach your goal. The decisions you make every day, they get easier but they never end.  You’ll still need the belief in yourself to get over the words and struggles in your environment. And remember, be kind to yourself. You deserve it. There will always be people giving you unkind thoughts and projecting their struggles. But there are also those that will feel inspired and motivated because you’ve shown them it is possible. The confidence gained only lasts as long as you believe it.

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About Minnehappilos

I am a lot of things. Dog owner, runner, traveler, worrier, feminist, rap enthusiastic, but mostly a contradiction that only a child in born in the 80's could represent. This blog is not a manual, just a funny read.
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