My feelings haven’t change. I still want to be friends. I read that sentence in a drunken spiral waiting to fall asleep in my bed. The question proposed earlier to warrant that answer I don’t recall. I don’t even remember my own emotional journey that lead me to asking. What I do know is that I’m glad I asked it. The previous three months had me questioning if I had taken the correct tact. Was there a shift that took place? In many ways there was but it didn’t mean that the overall situation had changed. I needed to sort out my own response but in order to do that I had to make sure I wasn’t missing something. My own history made me overly sensitive to the subject. My own destruction and pride led to burning of one friendship. I couldn’t let it happen to another.
The truth is I’ve had both sides of the situation. Where I came clean about a crush, they didn’t feel the same. It was hurtful at the time but truthfully, it was the best thing. It allowed me to move on and have this person in my life as a friend. A very dear friend that I mutually respect and enjoy. I am the friend that helped him make valentine’s gifts for his girlfriend. I am the friend that sent him letters while at boot camp and porn to make the time go by. I’ve had the other side of the situation where I let the crush fester but could always brush it off until I did let it cross over in the friendship. Granted the end to that was more than I am simplifying it now but the point is that I never asked. I never let him into my emotion beyond what I was willing to comfortably stand behind.
The greatest lesson I’ve learned from my friend Kelly is that it’s okay to be awkward. Yes, it’s uncomfortable by nature, but it’s necessary. You cannot say “I’ve been letting this crush develop over the last four months. I know it’s not reciprocal. I just need you to tell me no. Then I promise I’ll get over” without there being an awkward moment. If you don’t allow the awkwardness to sink in and take in, much worse emotions creep in, jealously, anger, pride and hope. I think hope is the worst. You keep hoping that the situation will lead to the outcome you want. You hope they feel the same. You cannot hope your way through life.
My co-worker Tom often describes me as aggressive. What I think he means is not that I am going to run after you and tackle you, but rather I’m not afraid to be blunt. I’m not afraid to put myself into this situation that others will avoid. I think he means I’m okay with the unfamiliar. I’ve never asked him to describe his word choice. This is just my best guess given the context in which he’s thrown it out. What it does is let’s me go into a situation and say I want to figure this out. I want the answer.
It is what I got, the answer. It’s the answer that is the easiest and best given the context. It is exactly what I was expecting but now that I know we are on the same page. I can move forward and not be scared of the unknown that is no longer lurking in my head. It applies to many parts of life. You can’t be scared of the unknown. You collect the facts, you move forward based on what you know. You change course when needed, but you don’t ignore the situation in hopes that someone else gives you the answer you want.
Now, I must be off to find my T-Pain mic.