It started with a conversation.This little blog doesn’t generate much traffic. I don’t put a lot of effort into it. I just spew out things as I want. I thought about what it would take to take it to the next level. Ultimately, every time, I decide I don’t know if I want to be that public. Partly what I fear is the exact backlash that occurred a few years ago with the Marie Claire article around six healthy living bloggers. You can read all about it here. I also loved this response to the controversy it started.
Emotionally, I don’t think I’m ready for that to be part of my own body image acceptance story. I’m still a work in progress on that. I firmly believe that you need to accept and love yourself. Part of that comes with challenging yourself, fueling your body and engaging in things that make you feel good. When you start losing site of those things and let the guilt, loathing and fear take over, it’s time to re-examine. What happens though when you don’t feel like you can validate those concerns? I have friends in various places in their weight loss journeys. Sometimes it feels incredibly difficult to complain about not fitting into your pants when you are their goal weight/size. Sometimes, you don’t even engage the conversation because you know, you’ll just be told you’re skinny, what do you have to be unhappy about. Sure, sometimes you do need that gentle reminder that how you feel isn’t your true reality. Sometimes though, you need someone to say, well if you are not happy, what are you going to change versus just excusing it because you appear thin. I’m tired of being told I don’t understand because I’m skinny. I’m tired of someone telling me to just eat “blah” because I’m skinny. Mostly, I’m tired of people openly commenting on my body/weight to excuse the emotion behind the choice.
I’m skinny, thin, tiny whatever word that person chooses to use, because I put the effort into being that way. I purposely work out. I purposely think about the foods I eat. But I am far from perfect. I’m currently tracking my food to see what I’m eating and if it is enough. I’m using this exercise to see where I can improve. It’s helping me learn how to gauge my hunger. It shows me that food decisions are not just as simple as healthy versus not. What I’m really learning is that as a woman, there is a lot of emotion that goes into body image and how people feel it is okay to comment towards you about it. It’s an exhausting conversation especially when you are continually having it with yourself. I’m learning that there is always for improvement and the process is continual. Just because you hit a goal weight/size doesn’t mean the process is over.
What I really took away from it today is that choices you make around diet/exercise are yours to make. You can get inspiration from different places. You learn by trying new things, challenging yourself and recognizing when a pattern requires change. It is very easy to just say ignore the bad, don’t listen to them, just do what is right for you. Really, it’s not that easy. It’s not easy to forgive yourself when you are the one also punishing yourself. Which is why all of this a process, you go and you learn. Sometimes you spend time in a space that is very uncomfortable. It is okay, it’s part of becoming you. That’s right self, it is part of becoming who you are meant to be.